I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
