Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
