just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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