i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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