Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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