i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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