You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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