fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
