At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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