your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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