We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
