I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dear god my vagina.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
