Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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