What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
