I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
