We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
