Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
