Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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