The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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