Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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