I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
