you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
