she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
