tell your sister to shave her snatch
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
