He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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