booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
