1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
