My Higher Power is John Stamos
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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