you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
did i just pee glitter
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
