i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
