You smell like stripper and shame
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
