when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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