I accidentally burped into my bong.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
