apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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