Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
