You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
