I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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