i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
