I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
no, he came in my armpit
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
