her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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