She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
i think i just lost a toe
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
