Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
