i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
