I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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