I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Randomize
