I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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