Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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