i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
