Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
