obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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